Wide Awake
by Gwynwidlen
Summary: Dan and Phil have had it with each other. What happens to their relationship? What about Youtube? Rated M for language, sexual things , minor violence, self-harm.


**Wide Awake**

**by Gwynwidlen**

**Rated M for language, sexual things , minor violence, self-harm**

**Summary: Dan and Phil have had it with each other. What happens to their relationship? What about Youtube? Find Out.**

**A/N: I know I said I would never do smutty Phan. I break a lot of rules. **

* * *

"Dan, I'm going out for a while. Do you want anything?" my boyfriend Phil asks. I am sitting on the couch with my laptop as I have done for the past eight hours.

"I'm fine." I reply. Phil smiles awkwardly, leaning over to kiss my head.

"I love you." he says as he walks towards the door.

I don't reply.

He pauses, waiting for me to say it too. I just can't.

Phil leaves, sighing quite audibly. I sit there staring at my laptop, the screen suddenly blurred as tears I didn't know were forming fell onto my shaking hands and landed silently on my keyboard. I set the laptop aside and dragged myself to the bathroom, the sobs wracking my body. I collapsed onto the tiled floor, sobbing so hard I couldn't see. I wipe my eyes with my sleeve and drag myself up to grab my precious blade.

I strip and turn on the shower. Cold. I climb in and let the freezing water hit my heated skin. At first, I just sit there with the sharp instrument in my hands. Then I set to work. Taking the blade in my left hand I drag it slowly across my right arm until a thin line of crimson leaks out of my skin. A moan escapes my lips as I watch the blood drip onto the bottom of the tub. I continue this until the entire arm, tub and wall are painted bright crimson. Finally satisfied, I set the blade on the edge of the tub, and curling into a fetal position, I start to cry.

When I wake, I'm dry and in the bed I share with Phil. My arm was bandaged, I could feel it without having to see it. I strain my ears to hearing Phil's voice. He's in the kitchen, talking on the phone. I get up and creep towards it, making sure I was hidden.

"Yeah, he's OK. Another incident, yeah. Really bad this time, he's lucky I got home early." he pauses, listening to the voice on the other side. "You have no idea what it does to me when I see him like that. He was so cold and bleeding, he could've died." I could tell by Phil's voice that he was crying. "Yeah, yeah, I will. Alright love you too. Bye."

Must've been his mum.

Phil sets the phone on the counter and I watch him put his head in his hands. I heard his muffled crying, and it broke my heart. I silently walk into the kitchen and carefully put my arms around him.

"Why do you do this to me Daniel?" Phil asks, his tears falling onto my shoulder.

"I-I don't know Phil." came my reply. We stayed like that. Just crying and holding each other.

"I want you to get help Dan. I can't lose you," he says. "Please, for me." he adds. I look up at him. His perfect blue eyes shimmering with tears.

"For you, anything." I choked out. He leans down and plants a kiss on my lips.

* * *

Four months later,

I have gone to therapy every week for the past four months and have done much better. I haven't cut since that last incident. Phil has been happier too because of this. Everything seems to be getting better.

One night we were lying in each other's arms, just talking about what we wanted to do the next day.

"Well, kind of wanted to make a video." I mumble sleepily into his chest. Phil "mmms" kissing my head. He runs a hand down my side stopping at the hem of my boxers. I felt his erection through the thin fabric of his boxers. Phil lifts my chin and kisses my lips softly. He kisses me for a minute then brushes his tongue along my bottom lip and I give in to him. His tongue explores my mouth. I moan as he tilts me onto my back pulling my boxers off then his. He let out an audible gasp as our erections brushed against each other. One of Phil's hands finds its way to caressing my ass.

"Phil.."I gasp.

"Shh." he says smacking my ass. I moan quietly. He stops to grab something from his side drawer, a condom and some lube. He flips me over, sticking my ass high in the air. The cool air made me twitch. "Stay still." he orders.

"Oh god Phil.." I moan into the pillow.

"Shh, do you want me to spank you?" he asks teasing my ass with his fingers. I moan and receive a sharp smack on my bottom in response. "Do you need more or are you going to be a good boy?"

I keep silent as he pops open the lube and teases my entrance with a slick, cool finger. I bite the pillow trying not to call out. He makes sure I'm prepared, then stops to put the condom on and shoves himself into me. I can't help it, I scream as the sensation fills my body.

"Oh god Phil." I moan. He slaps my ass three times, hard, in time with his thrusts. Phil grabs my shoulders using it to drive himself further into me. Leaning over he whispers into my ear,

"Do you like it Dan? Do you like it when I fuck you hard?" he breathes. I just nod as tears start to form.

He fucks me like that for awhile, then getting bored, lays me on my back. He puts my legs on his shoulders, pushing himself in again. At this point I don't even make any noise. Which of course is the wrong thing to do. Phil caresses my jaw with his left hand.

"Moan for me Dan. Scream my name." he says. I look up at him in the dim light. I moan shakily, trying my best to fake it. He fucks me harder, groaning with pleasure.

"Say my name Dan." he growls.

"Phil.." I moan.

"Louder!" he commands.

"Phil." I say a little louder.

"Scream it. Scream for me Dan!"

Oh what the neighbors must think.

"PHIL," I yell wrapping my arms around his neck. I can hear him smirk in triumph. "Oh Phil..fuck..mmm, god Phil!"

"God I love it when you scream my name." he says huskily.

"Phil, I'm so close.." I moan. Phil slams me hard into the mattress, pinning my arms down. He moans loudly as he comes, slowing and finally stopping to pull out. He pulls the condom off and chucks it in the bin, sighing content.

"Phil.." I say, staying right where I am.

"Mmm..yeah my sweet?" he answers.

"You didn't let me...finish." I say.

"Hmm.." was his response.

"Phil?" I look over at him. He had fallen asleep. I roll over on my side, letting more tears fall onto the pillow.

* * *

Two weeks after the sex incident, Phil and I were sitting on the couch together. We both had our laptops and we were pretty much ignoring each other.

"Dan, do you want to have sex?" Phil asks out of the blue.

"I..don't really feel good." I lie. I don't want to have sex with him if that's what he was going to do to me.

"Oh..." he says, pouting.

"What?" I ask.

"Well, it's just we haven't had sex for two weeks Dan. I want you." said Phil reaching over to touch my arm. I push him away.

"Maybe that's because the last time we had sex you made it about you. You didn't care about my needs at all." I reply.

"What are you talking about? You could've said something." Phil said nonchalantly. I slam my laptop close and turn to glare at him.

"Oh really? Do you even remember that, oh I don't know, YOU HIT ME every time I tried to say something?" I yelled.

Phil sets his laptop down too.

"Don't be a drama queen, Dan. I didn't hit you and you know it." Phil replies. I get up from the couch.

"You know what? I'm not dealing with you right now." I said.

"Daniel." Phil stood up and grabbed my arm. I pushed him off me.

"Don't touch me!" I screamed. In my anger, I started crying.

"Dan." Phil says softly, opening his arms. "I'm sorry, please, come here." I hesitate and look him up and down. He genuinely looks concerned. I allow myself to fall into his arms. Phil strokes my hair. "I love you so much Dan."

"Please don't do this to me again." I cry.

"I won't baby." he murmurs. "Let's go get some food, and we'll watch a movie. Sound good?"

I nod. And we do just that.

* * *

Youtube has pretty much just been the same. Everyone knows that Phil and I are together. They think we are super cute together. That we are the perfect couple. It couldn't be more far from the truth.

Phil and I's relationship has disintegrated slowly for the past few months. We've stopped being intimate completely. We'll kiss each other now and then, but we don't even sleep in the same bed any more.

One morning, I get up and take a shower, then travel to the kitchen to get something to eat. Phil is already in the kitchen making pancakes. I wrap my arms around his waist, kissing his back.

"Morning Phil." I say. I feel happy enough today to try to throw a spark back into our relationship. He senses that I'm trying to be romantic and turns around to kiss me.

"Morning babe." he replies smiling at me. It's the first time he's smiled at me in about two months. I nearly break down right there.

"We should go out today, you know. Go out to dinner or something." I say, grabbing the OJ from the fridge.

"Sure hon, whatever you want to do." he says, placing the pancakes on a plate.

"My working man." I smile, kissing his shoulder. "I love you." I say.

"I love you too." he replies getting me a glass for my orange juice. "Hey..do you think you might want to...sleep in our bed tonight?" he adds, turning a bit red. I grab his chin and kiss him.

"Of course love." I say. He sets the pancakes down and picks me up, kissing me passionately. Phil carries me to our bedroom and plopping me on the bed, starts to remove our clothes.

"Phil!" I half-moan,half-laugh as he climbs on top of me kissing my neck.

"Oh god Dan I've missed you." he mumbles, biting my neck.

"I've missed you too Phil." I moaned.

Needless to say we spent all day in bed, the pancakes long forgotten.

* * *

Phil seemed like he actually cared about me after that day. We stayed in the same bed again. Our priorities sorted themselves out and everything seemed great. This continued for a few more months..until our three-year anniversary. It started like any normal day. We woke up in each other's arms. He kissed me and went to take a shower.

I waited for him to get out of the shower before taking my own. When I got out, he was smiling at me.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing. You look so beautiful." he said. I smiled at him.

"Thanks Phil. You look like my sexy man." I replied, pulling him towards me.

"Do you want to hang out with some friends today?" he asked. "I wanna go out and do something." I was a bit let down.

"Isn't there something you wanna say?" I ask slyly, hoping he'd catch on.

"Uhm... I don't know. No. Not really." Phil said. "I love you?"

I let go of him.

"What?" he asked.

"It's our three-year anniversary!" I said. Phil made an 'O' face.

"Oh my god, baby, I'm so sorry. I didn't think." he said.

"Whatever." I replied crossing my arms.

"Let me make it up to you, please!" he exclaims, pulling me into his arms. I sigh. I didn't really believe that I should, but I loved Phil more than anything in the world. I loved him more than my job. I loved him even more than Maltesers. And I love Maltesers a hell of a lot. So that's really saying something. Phil said that we would have a romantic dinner tonight just the two of us.

"Really?" I ask.

"I'll go make a reservation for 7 o' clock." he said.

"I love you." I said. He kissed me and took the phone.

"I love you too."

* * *

It was 6:00. I took a shower, got dressed in something nice and left the flat early. Phil said he was meeting me there. I got there promptly at 6:55 and was lead to the private booth that Phil set up. Phil wasn't there.

I waved the waitress away the first twenty minutes but then it was 7:40 and I was hungry. I ordered some food and just hoped that Phil had a good excuse for being late. I ate in silence and waited another twenty minutes. by the time 8:30 rolled around, I was almost crying.

I paid for my food and went home.

Phil wasn't home when I arrived. I waited up for him.

At midnight, he came stumbling in. Clearly drunk.

"Hey, what happened? I thought we..we were going out.." he slurred. I stood up.

"Yeah we _were. _You didn't show up. Why was that Phil?" I asked crossing my arms.

"See, I was getting some stuff for later, you know..I was gonna get you drunk and fuck your brains out.. but here's what happened...I drank it.. and...yeah.." Phil said.

"I can't fucking believe you Phil!" I yelled.

"What? Come 'ere.." he mumbled, grabbing my hands and pulling me towards him. The smell of alcohol on his breath was revolting. I pushed him hard and he stumbled backward, falling on the ground. He got up.

"What the hell Dan?" he yelled pushing me back.

"Don't touch me!" I said pushing him. "Get out of my way." I pushed past him.

"No." he grabbed my wrist. I struggled to get out of his grasp, finally managing it. I ran into our room, throwing open his wardrobe. I started throwing clothes out the door.

He grabbed me and pinned me to his wardrobe.

"Stop it Dan." he said.

"No! Get the fuck out! I am so done with you." I yelled.

"No! You get out!" he yelled back.

We continued to scream at each other like that for another hour. We probably broke every single dish in the house. Soon enough, I grabbed a bag, threw some clothes into it and anything else that was of value to me.

"Fine, you want me out so badly?! I'M LEAVING. You'll never see me again!" I yelled, hot tears of anger flowing down my cheeks.

"Good riddance!" he screamed back. I slammed the door as I left. I didn't know where I was going. I found a nice place to sit down and pulled out my camera. I couldn't stop from crying as I made a video.

"Uhm, you may be wondering why I'm crying.. and why I'm not at home.. well.. Phil and I broke up..so I won't be making videos anymore. I love you guys so much. It's been such a great ride. Please no hating on Phil for this. Stay strong my socially awkward Danosaurs. I love you and goodbye." I didn't edit the video, I just uploaded it on my main channel.

I decided to leave for my parents' house.

* * *

The next day I travelled back to the apartment. I still had my key on a chain around my neck. I let myself in and found Phil sitting among all the shattered glass. His head was in his hands.

"Phil?" I said. He jumped when he heard my voice.

"Dan.." his voice was hoarse.

"I just came back to get the rest of my stuff." I said.

"You're leaving me?" he asks quietly.

"Phil.. I just can't do this anymore. We're all over the place and I love you so much but I can't be with you if you are going to act this way." I said.

"Dan...don't leave me.." he cried.

"I'm sorry."

"I love you. Please Dan." Phil said.

"No."

"I can't live without you Dan." he says, settling on his knees before me.

"Obviously you can." I replied, feeling no remorse for my words. He was sobbing now.

"Dan. I fucked up, I'm sorry. Please give me another chance." he pleaded.

"No."

He grabbed my leg, still sobbing.

"I will help you clean up, but I am not getting back with you. I'm sorry Phil." I said.

* * *

One year later.

I have my own flat in London now and it has been a year since I've left Phil. I think about him sometimes. OK, more than sometimes. I still follow his Youtube account which has slowly declined in updates until about three months ago, where all the videos stopped. Everyone wonders where he is. He still tweets occasionally. It's nothing that you can really trace though.

I decide one day to visit our old flat. I hesitantly knock on the door. Someone opens the door after a minute. She's beautiful. Short and blonde haired with pretty green eyes. Her skin is evenly bronzed and soft looking. There is a smile playing on her polished pink lips.

"Hi can I help you?" she asks sweetly.

"Uh..is Phil here?" I asked. It was then that I noticed she was several months pregnant.

"Oh, no, he just left. Do you want me to leave him a message?" she asks. I blink hard, trying not to cry. He moved on.

"Uhm.. tell him.. an old friend stopped by and uh, here. It's all he needs to know." I say handing her the key to the apartment. When I left Phil, I kept it. He told me he would wait for me. Obviously he was lying.

"Alright. I'll tell him. Bye."

"Bye." I said. She shut the door and I turned on the spot. I noticed that I cry a lot.

"Dan?"

My head snaps up and I find myself staring into Phil Lester's bright blue eyes.

"Phil.."

"What're you doing here?"

"I-I don't know.."

"You came back?" he looked at me smiling slightly.

"Well, I don't know Phil. I wanted to, but I found out about your girlfriend. So I'll just leave." I said.

"Girlfriend?" he looked confused. "You mean Bridgette? Daniel, she's not my girlfriend. She's a friend of mine that stays over a lot cause her work is closer to here than her house."

"But she's pregnant.."

"Her boyfriend is in America right now." Phil answers.

"So, you aren't seeing anyone?" I ask.

"No. Are you?"

"I couldn't be with anyone but you Phil." I reply. Suddenly, I was pulled into the most intensely passionate kiss I have ever experienced. Phil's arms were around my waist, and I put my arms around his neck.

"Come home Dan." he said. I smile.

"Of course Phil."

* * *

A week later, I was back living with Phil and we both started making Youtube videos again. And we couldn't be more happy.

* * *

**Fin. **

**I am so happy I finished this!**

**Review! **


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